Canned Heat: A Guest Blog

Everyone, meet my brother. We'll call him Mule. Mule, everyone. Introductions aside, he lives in Minnesota, but does not snowboard, much less demolish rails. He tried skiing once and was not having it. He's more of a football guy. He reads my blog, but often has no idea what I'm talking about. He thinks a backside 180 is what happens when you have to turn and look at a girl's ass as she walks past.

Near as I can tell, he is attracted to energy drinks for their convenience and their taste (yes, he likes the taste) in spite of the near-foreign language spoken on their ingredient lists. As he mentions, I don't drink them often. I get them at movie premieres and give them to a friend as payment for rides up the mountain and work on my car. Currently, I have five energy drinks and four sodas that will serve as currency.

Past that, I will drink one on the occasional long drive. I generally opt to sip a sugar-free variety over a few hours. I do not think they have any place in snowboarding. I think they're best served for maintaining your consciousness and cranking out short, quick efforts, as in the weight room. Hence my posting in the summer, though he wrote this many months ago. Why waste any time on them? They're out there, might as well drop some knowledge. I lobbied for him to include water, coffee and beer in his experiment, but he declined. The following are the words of my esteemed sibling.

Want the other side of the story. Just ask Scotty Wittlake.

PS Mule also thinks Monster Rehab tastes like ass.

Every time I stay at the Yak’s house, I find various energy drinks in his fridge.  He explains to me that he gets these for free from snowboarding events, but doesn’t drink them very much so they just kind of accumulate.  That is, until I show up and drink them all over the course of a weekend.  Extreme sports and energy drinks going hand-in-hand, he asked me if I would write a guest blog reviewing some of the more popular choices.

The experiment:  I judged each drink for its energy and taste.  For some semblance of scientific control, I tried to limit myself to one a day:  between the end of my work day and the beginning of a workout.  There are no winners or losers except my motivation level (winner) and journalistic integrity (loser).

Red Bull

Aesthetic:  Basic. Everybody knows Red Bull by its packaging, so there’s no need to change.  I went with the standard 8.4 oz can, although Red Bull is also available in 12 oz cans and pounders.  The gas station was offering two pounders for $6, which seemed a bit excessive (What? You don’t have to drink them all at once?).  With the exception of Red Bull Cola, they have only one flavor.

Cultural Significance:  Spawned a $10B industry; multiple soccer and racing teams; Jagerbombs

Taste:  Relatively tame citrus flavor with little carbonation.  Combine that with the smaller can size and it’s easy to pound.

Energy Boost:  Not much in the way of what the FDA would consider “essential nutrients”—250% of B6, 100% B3, 80% B12, and 50% Pantothenic Acid, plus energy-standards caffeine and taurine.  Provided a nice opening boost; kept me going throughout the workout; perhaps worth mentioning that I found myself raking leaves in the dark when I got home.  Crashed hard about 4 hours after drinking.

Monster

Aesthetic:  The gothic can indicates it may appeal to a younger audience; indeed, Monster is catching up with Red Bull in terms of sales.  Also contributing to its growth is a wide variety of choices including juice and coffee hybrids and a line with infused nitrous oxide.  I went with the standard pounder; Monster is also available in 24-oz silos and the completely unnecessary 32-oz BFC (and you know what that stands for).

Cultural Significance:  Similar sponsorships of extreme athletes, Warped Tour, and X-Games, not to mention De-bo and Wee Man.  Also, this lawsuit from a huge fan of the Strange Brew movie.

Taste:  Super-sweet bubble-gum citrusy flavor, again with little carbonation.  Goes down smooth; before you know it the can is gone.  Maybe there’s a need for the BFC after all.

Energy Boost:  Hella vitamins!  200% B2, B3, B6, and B12; 1000 mg Taurine, and 2500 mg of an energy blend full of things I can’t pronounce.  The initial kick packs a wallop, which is a shame because I wasted it at work in my cubicle. A high peak, but a low plateau--I had no motivation to do anything after my workout.

Rockstar

Aesthetic:  The radio-friendly can design suggests it should have been called “Pop Star.”  Quite the variety of flavors, but not as many as Monster.

Cultural Significance:  The first to rip off Red Bull; several music tours; potentially overcompensating for homophobia

Taste:  The flavor, much like the can design, is bubble gum.  Heavy texture makes me feel like I’m drinking maple syrup.  Highly-carbonated for minimum slam-ability.  It’s definitely different, but that’s not always a good thing.

Energy Boost:  So many vitamins it made my pee look like Mountain Dew.  Comparable to Monster but with double the B2.  It didn’t kick in right away, but it still foiled my plans to eat only half of my Jimmy Johns Gargantuan.  Kept me extra wide-eyed throughout my workout.  Extra long-lasting buzz, if you can choke it down.

Xenergy

Aesthetic:  The can looks like something out of The Matrix with its tech-y font features.  Comes in a dozen flavors.  I didn’t know which was the standard flavor, so I chose a pounder of fruit punch.

Cultural Significance:  Official energy drink of the UFC.

Taste:  A ton of bite, and the super-tart fruitiness made me pucker a little.  I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had several flavors and they’re all delicious.  Difficult to slam; this is a savoring drink.

Energy Boost:  Zero B-vitamins, which I found strange, but high on taurine and ginseng.  No sugar and zero calories.  Not much of an initial boost.  Didn’t appear to give me any extra energy, but I wasn’t lethargic, either.  No buzz to speak of.  But damn is it tasty!

5-Hour Energy

Aesthetic:  A small two-ounce shot—hello my friend!  Now I don’t have to go through the hassle of all that drinking.

Cultural significance:  tiny serving sizes, marketing to cube-jockeys such as myself, under-produced and over-distributed commercials

Taste:  Pretty awful.  A flat berry flavor with an aftertaste that will make you look like the cop in Dumb and Dumber.  There’s a reason they don’t give you 16 oz. of this stuff.

Energy Boost:  2000% B6, 8333% B12 (that’s not a misprint), 1870 mg energy blend.  I was a bit drowsy when I took the shot, and it pepped me right up.  Was able to take a nap shortly afterwards, but got up and had immediate energy which included a tingling sensation in my fingers.  No crash to speak of.

These are only a few of the more popular brands.  On your own time, you can try others such as NOS, SnakeEyes, WhoopAss, and SLAP.  Almost every beverage distributor now has a line of energy drinks, so slam one before your next snowboard run and thank the Yak later.

The Art of Flight: Portland Premiere

Let's face it, if you haven't seen this movie yet, you might not be the sort of person who reads Bored Yak. But if that's you, find a premiere near you - say within a 5-hour drive - and go to it. Watching it on a giant screen with all of the fancy Dolby technology in full effect is really the only way to go. Regardless of your home setup, it doesn't compare. The Art of Flight isn't as much better than That's It, That's All than TITA was better than the rest of the field, but it is better and that should tell you something.

Gratuitous tour vehicles

Let's talk about the premiere itself for a second. Remember all that fancy Dolby technology? Well it turns out, that stuff takes some time to set up. The ticket said showtime was 8, I figured doors at 7. When the doors finally opened at damn near 9, the bar was out of beer and my friends never wanted to let me plan anything again. It wasn't my fault. I would have been there at 9am helping them out had they only asked. I would have brought more beer, too.

Riders (and filmer) representing

One of the consequences of all that alcohol consumption was, of course, rampant drunkenness. Combine that with ushers who were clearly more used to the performing arts that the theatre was accustomed to hosting and the second-level balcony was a generational clash fit for a sitcom. Paper airplanes were launched en masse. Ushers were threatening paper airplane pilots with expulsion.  People were way over-stoked and yelling at their friends across the balcony. The only thing that saved us was the dimming of the lights. On with the show.

Ah, the show. Travis Rice delivers some passionate, if over-the-top narration. Same for his riding. He truly is on another level. He's one of those guys who makes you wonder, "What does the mountain look like through his eyes?" Every undulation and sharp corner on a line is game for high-stakes trickery.

John Jackson also occupies rare air in big mountain freestyle. He sends a couple that just... keep... going. And you know his style is always locked on.

Speaking of style, how about Mark Landvik? It's been so intriguing watching him progress through the years. Not many people progress into throwing more methods, but that seems to be the case with Lando. His shifties and late spins in TAOF add a fun, super-stylish dimension.

I could watch Nicolas Müller ride all day every day. He's another guy who just sees things differently. You might think you know what he's going to do, but the only even-money guess is 'slash.' I'll never forget Air & Style Munich 2007. The lower section had an air option and a rail setup. Ever see Nico hit a rail? Me neither. He'll air it, right? Nope, he cuts it wide and handplants. That's what you can expect from a Müller.

One section that branded itself in my brain was the Darwin Range section. The Darwin Range is about as far south as you can get in Chile. Tierra del Fuego, the land of fire, which makes this next quote seem more appropriate. The Art of Flight crew asks if they can go ride there, the guide says, "Absolutely not... that's where the devil lives." I felt a lump rise in my throat. What do you say to that!? This guy, your local guide, believes the creator of all things evil resides in this place. They're going to ride there, aren't they? Yup. Some mini-pinner of a chute that could have been called 'The Devil's Skidmark' for the ratio of rocks to snow. Alternating ass hauling with unstrapping and hopping through rocks while the chopper is waiting, burning fuel which they are preciously low on. Still with an hour flight home. Not where you want to be stuck... That's just how this crew rolls. Dancing with the devil is just part of the game.

Photos in the lobby. Check out the limited edition book, too.

Negatives? Yeah, all the gratuitous heli shots and insano-slo-mo. If you forget who foots the bill for this one, you will see their logo again. I guess that's the price you pay for letting them pay your way. If that's what I have to deal with, I can handle it. Also, I'm not sure if you know, but there are no handrail shots in this one. They don't even use them while walking down stairs. Not extreme enough.

I was expecting this movie to be more spectacle than 'make you want to ride' and it was. But you know what? It worked on both fronts. The spectacle is undeniable, but the stoke factor came through for me. Like Travis says, "Adventure is what you make it." Get out there and enjoy the shred. Find your own progression and push it. Rededicate yourself to snowboarding.

Red Bull Snowscrapers Results

I just watched the big scaffolding hip gap in NYC that was Snowscrapers. Shayne Pospisil took the top spot and the $50K check with a big backside '900.' Torstein Horgmo came in second with Scotty Lago and Travis Rice wrapping up 3rd and 4th respectively. Torstein survived a crazy fall that saw him skid off the side of the take-off on his last run. He then got up to the top of the drop-in and made his last jump. Ballsy.

The format went like this, all 16 riders went at it in a 60-minute jam session which then cut to the top 8 who competed head-to-head. Oddly enough, it looked like the #1 rider from the jam rode against the #2 rider. Then, 3 vs. 4 and so on, instead of the traditional 1 vs. 8, 2 vs. 7, etc. The bummer in this case went to Shaun White who got knocked out by Torstein Horgmo in round 1 of the elimination. If the scores went down the same, he would have gotten knocked down by #8 Daniel Ek, too, so maybe that one didn't matter. It still seemed a bit off.

The weirdest thing about the contest was that the riders couldn't get enough speed even though the drop-in was 90 feet tall, so they got a slingshot start from two workers or a winch. The riding was pretty good, though. Not 'Air & Style' good, but OK. Pospisil's '900' in the finals deserved first place for sure. Rice had some nice rodeos, Lago ripped off some quality spins and of course Terje cranked a nice method or two. Terje also attempted a one-footed air, but washed out the landing. Super ballsy, especially considering some of the riders were barely clearing the gap fully strapped in. They gave him the best trick at the end, I can only assume it was for the big method.

It might be my inexperience with hip jumps, but it seemed like the announcers were adding an extra 180 to all the tricks. For example, in Pospisil's '900' he took off forward and landed forward. I'd have called it a 720, but I defer to the experts. Maybe they just wanted it to sound bigger or maybe I'm wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

I thought it was cool to see Shayne win a big event like this. He's not exactly a household name, even though he rips hard. For proof, check out last year's King of Quarters and last week's Air & Style. Hopefully he had a bunch of family and friends in attendance, being a Jersey native and all. I was also really impressed with Daniel Ek's performance. He's pretty new to the scene, but he threw down with the vets and came out with a nice finish. Hopefully we can see some more of what he's capable throughout the season.

Another cool thing is that some smaller form of the jump will be kept up for a week or so for public use. How cool is that? If you're anywhere nearby, go check that out: East River Park at FDR and Houston. Now snowboarders have a chance to play out their dreams. Internal monologue, "It's come down to this last jump, for all the fame, glory and 50,000 dollars. (S)he's got to beat an 85.33 for the win..." In the words of Valient Thorr, that's what I'm talkin' about.

Here are the rest of the results, 5-8 are my best guesses based on scores from the first round of eliminations.

1. Shayne Pospisil
2. Torstein Horgmo
3. Scotty Lago
4. Travis Rice
5. Daniel Ek
6. Shaun White
7. Bjorn Leines
8. Terje Haakonsen

Next stop for me is the Mt. Baker Legendary Banked Slalom, where the goal is to not leave the ground so much. Check back for more on that one later...

Competition or Community?

This weekend two of the most opposite contests in the history of competition are going down: the 24th Mt. Baker Legendary Banked Slalom and Red Bull's Snowscrapers. One is a long-standing race that gets hundreds of groms, pros and old souls together for a few days of racing with nothing more (or less) than locally-made prizes and a trophy fashioned after a roll of duct tape. The other is a first-time mega-jump with uber-sponsors and hyper-promotion (and-I-love-hyphens!). Battling it out for spin-to-win supremacy and 100G's in prizes will be 16 hand-picked combatants.

Tonight, the first ever Red Bull Snowscrapers kicks off in New York City. The scaffolding jump is reminiscent of Air and Style, but with a hip landing; a gap hip, if you will. I've never seen anything quite like it. Not sure what will go down. Initial reports say the speed isn't quite right, so I hope they got that fixed. Anthrax (the band, not the disease) is set to make an appearance. Oh yeah and the prize pool is 100,000 bucks, so everything is huge, large and/or epic. Check out the info at Red Bull and watch it live at GO211 from now 'til around 6pm Pacific Time.

Tomorrow the qualifying runs start for the Mt. Baker Legendary Banked Slalom, one of the most storied snowboard races of all time. Tomorrow night, Jamie Lynn's band, Kandi Coded, will rock the Joowanna Café in Maple Falls. Coincidence? Probably not. This is one event that might be more about people getting together off the hill than throwing down on it. Run in the same natural halfpipe since 1985, the LBS course changes a little every year, but the basics are the same: banked turns and high speeds. On the same run are everyone from 10-year-old amateurs to 60-year-old grandfathers. The last chance to qualify is Saturday, then the finals on Sunday determine who takes home the tape. Oh yeah, they have a baked salmon dinner and a bonfire on Sunday, too. That's it. No live broadcast, no commercial interruptions. Money donated to causes infinitely exceeds prize money because there is no prize money. Really. A contest with no prize money. And it's not a qualifier for other contests that do have prize money. If you don't get it, you might have to drive east on WA 542 to find out.

An interesting connection: Travis Rice and Terje Haakonsen are listed as competing in both events. Also, the band Valient Thorr is playing Snowscrapers while they played in Kandi Coded's spot last year. Maybe the two events aren't so different after all. It's all snowboarding, ya know?

It's a little late to get to NYC, but GO211 has the live coverage of Snowscrapers right now. I'm making the drive up to Baker tomorrow and might even have a blog from there for you. Not that the internet can capture the legendary vibe, but maybe it will get you to check it out for yourself next year...